Category: Healthy Lifestyle

The Ultimate Guide to Self Love- Part 2

Part 2- Practices for Connecting with and Loving Yourself

In Part 1 of this guide we talked about the 5 essential steps to self-love and we also looked at what can get in the way of loving yourself.

Something that became increasingly clear to me as I delved into the concept of self-love is that sometimes it doesn’t look the way you’d expect.

I’ve been on both sides of the coaching conversation, asking and answering the question “if this were your best friend, would you treat her the same way you’re treating yourself?”

That always puts things into perspective. We like to be the heroes of our own journey. We set ourselves up to do hard tasks like carry the workload of two people, push down our feelings for the sake of being polite, or wait to eat until every family member is perfectly taken care of. When we eventually wind up exhausted, having fallen short of the goal, we take the opportunity to slather on self-judgement for what we “should” be able to accomplish.

Yet in the back of our minds we know that we’d never treat our girlfriends this way.

This extends not only to what we set out to accomplish in our careers, family and relationships, we set these high expectations for our bodies. Here’s where we get into trouble.

Loving yourself inevitably extends to loving your body. This is sticky territory for many of us, especially women who’ve grown up with impossible beauty ideals. We might be able to stand up for ourselves in relationships, but when our jeans don’t fit it can set off a domino effect of shame and judgement that eventually affects our behaviour.

I’ve seen this time and again with my clients, some of whom seem to have a great relationship with themselves, until the scale is involved.

The love we show (or don’t show) ourselves is rarely as clear as when it comes to accepting our bodies. That’s because body image is the intersection of self-image and our actions namely, eating, exercise and self-talk. When one part of the equation is lacking (often self-image) the other parts are affected as well.

Loving your life starts with loving your body

Let go of shame and self-judgment and embrace your inner confidence with the Body-Love Checklist.

Download Now

For me, learning to think positively about myself and take care of my body was the starting point for self-love. These two sides of the equation rose in equal proportion to one another.

I’ve seen the same thing happen for dozens of women in my Eats & Asana program where we focus on creating a healthy relationship to our bodies and food.

Our habits with food (meal choices, whether we eat, distracted eating, etc.) reveal the way we feel about ourselves. Often the thoughts we have about our bodies are unconscious, but they’re acted out for us to see in our relationship to food. Other times we know something’s up because of things like stress eating, emotional food cravings, or yoyo dieting.

It’s important to recognize that there’s something underneath the surface of your relationship to food… it’s your relationship with yourself as a whole. There are several ways to invite more self-love into your life that will benefit your body, your mind and your health.

Habits for Connecting to Yourself

Being in touch with yourself is the first essential step to cultivating self-love. This happens through:

Mindfulness- slowing down enough to feel into your senses and get centered in the present moment is a great way to connect with yourself. Start small by making time each day to pause what you’re doing, take a few deep breaths and bring your awareness into the present moment. Mindfulness is a muscle that will grow as you prioritize connecting with yourself.

Eating well- the ultimate sign of self-respect is taking great care of your body by choosing your fuel wisely. Eating well is a daily step you can take to ensure that you have the energy, mental clarity to do the things you love to do.

Movement- instead of thinking of this as exercise, consider moving your body for the sake of joy, self-expression and experiencing the full range of what you can do. Movement can be a meditation that allows your mind to come into alignment with your senses. It’s often during physical activity (playing sports, yoga, kayaking, etc.) that you’ll receive insights from your intuition because you’ve slowed your mind down enough to listen.

Creativity- any kind of creative expression that speaks to you (singing, playing music, painting, writing, etc.) will connect you with your inner knowing. Being in creative flow feels fantastic! Getting to know this inner creative nature will help you appreciate and value your body and mind and want to treat them well.

Relaxation- this takes many forms, but what I’m talking about here goes deeper than laying on the couch watching a movie. Find an activity that allows your nervous system to calm down so it can heal. This can be meditation, yoga nidra, or going for a massage or acupuncture. The more time your nervous system can spend in the parasympathetic “rest and digest” mode, the more you’ll be connected with your true self as opposed to living in a state of reaction.

How A Self-Loving Person Acts

Sometimes it’s helpful to witness self-love in action so you can find a way it fits for you. This list is by no means exhaustive, but here are a few characteristics of self-love that you can look for in yourself. If you’re not exhibiting one of these, think about what would need to shift in order to make it happen.

A self-loving person…

  • Prioritizes needs over wants because they’re committed to the health of their long-term relationship with themselves. This includes eating and moving in a way that serves their body.
  • Sets boundaries in their work, personal relationships and with themselves. They communicate their boundaries with others and feel reassured rather than threatened when others set boundaries with them.
  • Has difficult conversations because they recognize that everyone involved will be at ease when things are clear and out in the open. While these conversations might be challenging, they’re committed to clarity in their relationships so they can be fully themselves and others can too.
  • Listens to themselves. This often takes the form of a regular practice like journaling, talking with trusted others, or spending time in contemplative thought. They listen to their thoughts and make a point to feel their emotions and use both as an internal guidance system to keep them on track.
  • Doesn’t compare themselves to others. This one can be tricky, because comparison and self-judgement can happen so naturally. But someone who’s committed to self-love will not compare themselves to others as a way to boost their ego or to justify self-judgement. Instead, they focus on paying attention to their own life and doing their best.
  • Practices forgiveness with themselves and others. This takes a deeper level of emotional awareness, which their committed to for their own health and wellbeing.
  • Speaks kindly about themselves. They treat themselves with the same respect they would treat their closest friends.
  • Prioritizes joy and fun because they know that they deserve to feel happy, joyful and to do things that light them up.

Remember, like any other relationship learning to love yourself is a process. There are always opportunities to connect with yourself in a deeper way. Stay open and be willing to take them as they come. Which self-love practices will you start with?

The Ultimate Guide to Self-Love

Part 1 – What self-love is and what gets in the way

As much as I’m into personal development and spirituality, I still shudder at things that sound super cheesy. Self-love used to be one of them.

The term “self-love” used to conjure up ideas that were somewhere between baths with rose petals in them and a modern revamp of Tupperware get-togethers called “pleasure parties.”

I’m sure the rose petal baths aren’t all that bad, but I like things that are practical. Things need to be grounded in a purpose for me to want to get involved.

I found self-love through a back door, almost unexpectedly, and it changed my life completely. What I mean is, I found self-love after being utterly unloving to myself for years.

Starting in my teens I dedicated the large majority of my waking hours to pleasing other people. I put my needs on the back-burner in an effort to be the perfect student, employee, friend, daughter, granddaughter, etc.

At the same time, I had my own ideas about perfection which included eating at appropriate times (so as not to tick off my Italian family. Mangia!) and being thin.

There are only so many meals you can reasonably skip before you realize you have a problem. I was about 5 years in before I reached out for help.

It was the combination of months of eating disorder counselling coupled with yoga that allowed me to flip the switch in my brain from self-destructive to self-loving. As hard has it might sound to have to flip that switch, after making the shift it feels harder to even imagine going back.

Committing to stop my destructive behaviour is what returned me to myself. That’s when the real work began.

Loving your life starts with loving your body

Let go of shame and self-judgment and embrace your inner confidence with the Body-Love Checklist.

Download Now

What is self-love anyway?

Today, self-love is a buzz word. It’s common to suggest that a friend “love herself more,” or that we can’t truly love others until we “love ourselves.”

Depending on where you are, the idea of living with self-love might sound like the promise land of green grass on the other side of the fence.

What makes up the “fence” between you and that self-love bliss are things like self-destructive behaviour, lack of boundaries, being disconnected from your truth, and dishonoring your body.

Oh, that.

Self-love is a really big deal. It’s a crucial component to living well because it influences every choice you make – from picking a mate, choosing your career, your friendships and even the way you spend your money.

Essentially, it’s at the heart of your fulfillment. But self-love is deeper than a state of feeling good. It’s a state of appreciation for yourself that grows as you take actions that align with your physical, mental, and spiritual growth.

Self-love is dynamic. It grows through actions that develop you into a more well-rounded human. You develop self-love over time by acting with your best interest at heart. As you take actions in the interest of furthering yourself, you begin to have more compassion for yourself as a flawed-yet-perfect human being in your search for meaning and fulfillment in life.

In short, self-love isn’t something you attain, it’s something you grow.

Love is a Verb

Love is something you feel. It’s also something you do.

Recently I got a text from my partner saying, “I washed the dishes so when you get home you can relax.” The pile of dishes in the sink had been on my mind since I left the house. I read this and my heart melted.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed with gratitude when your partner, your child, or your friend, does something with your best interest at heart you know that love isn’t just a word, it’s a verb.

Cultivating self-love is about taking consistent actions that support your wellbeing. This means standing up for what you need even when it might be inconvenient for someone else. It means setting yourself up for a great day by making a healthy lunch the night before, instead of watching an extra half hour of TV. It looks like setting boundaries and managing expectations with your boss so that you can do a great job and be an awesome Mom to your children.

You might be starting to notice something here… acting out of self-love often means doing the un-sexy but practical things that set you up for success. It doesn’t always feel good in the moment (though sometimes it does). Sometimes you need to get uncomfortable and have the sweaty conversation that will set you up to feel empowered, respected and free to be yourself in the future.

What gets in the way of self-love?

Learning to love is learning to listen. It starts with tuning in. If you don’t know what you need, how can you respond in a loving way?

It makes perfect sense to me that my path to finding self-love came through my body. More specifically, it came through learning to connect with and listen to my body, so I could meet my own needs.

In my experience, the more I pushed down my body’s signs, the more vague they became. As I got used to ignoring the signals, my body turned down its cues to a faint whisper until I was left wondering “am I hungry? No wait, thirsty? Does my stomach hurt? Maybe I’m just tired…” It became so confusing I’d often give up and stop trying to listen.

Have you ever felt restless and then found yourself in the kitchen mindlessly drinking wine, or eating anything you can get your hands on?

Here’s why that happens: when you don’t understand what your body is trying to tell you (probably that you’re tired, lonely, or need a break) you’re more likely to respond in a way that numbs the feelings that are coming up. The farther you move away from feeling, the more disconnected you become.

That’s when it’s easy for self-destructive behaviour to slip in. The more you disconnect from yourself, the less pain you feel when you do things to sabotage your wellbeing.

It can be confronting to dip your toe in the realm of self-love; because it means you have to feel. The beautiful thing about this process is that the more you commit to feeling and listening to your body, the less likely you are to mistreat yourself. It’s much harder to disrespect the Self that you’re connected to than it is to dismiss your Self when you’re disconnected.

Just as you can push down your body’s cues, the same thing can happen with your inner voice. As you learn to prioritize other things over your inner voice, your truth will get quieter and you might stop hearing it in general.

The good news is you can regain your sensitivity to your body and your inner voice.

5 Essential Steps to Self-Love

  1. Connect to yourself – practices like mindfulness, meditation and yoga can help you connect with your body and quiet your mind so you can hear your inner voice of truth. Other activities that bring you into the moment (like writing, singing, playing music, or spending time in nature) can help you reconnect with yourself as well.
  2. Listen – this is more of a moment to moment practice. Spending even a few minutes in stillness and silence daily is a great way to show your body that you’re willing to listen.
  3. Understand the message – here’s the tricky part. When you walk into a crowded room and get a funny feeling, you might get the message but not know what it means. At first, listen and watch. It takes time to tell your inner nudges of anxiety and fear from excitement and opportunity. Be willing to get it wrong at first. As you learn to obey your inner wisdom it will step up to guide you more often.
  4. Respond with love – it takes practice to respond to yourself in the most loving way possible. If your knee-jerk reaction is to judge or put yourself down, notice this and choose again. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is give yourself permission to feel awkward while you figure it out. When feelings come up you can always take space to regroup and decide how you want to proceed.
  5. Feedback – this is your ‘reward’ for listening and acting according to your truth. Sometimes the feedback will be positive and you’ll know you’re on the right track (i.e.: you eat something and your body feels better). Other times the feedback will tell you you’re off base (you get anxious in a crowd and leave, only to realize it was really excitement and you want to go back).

The journey of self-love starts with the willingness to do so in the first place. Willingness is a softening that allows you to open up and look inside to truly meet yourself. As you listen to your body you’ll become more connected with your truth and you’ll develop the skill of responding appropriately to your needs.

Read more in Part 2 – Practices for Connecting to and Loving Yourself

The Secret to Having More Time and Happiness

Every woman I’ve talked to in the last 6 years of my coaching practice has said they want same thing… more time and to be happier.

Of course, they might not come right out and say it. For one woman, it’s more time with her kids and to feel excitement about life like she used to. For another, it’s having her weekdays match up with her to-do list so she’s not exhausted and can find time to catch up with her girlfriends on the weekend.

I bet there’s a version of this for you too.

Time, or having enough of it, used to be a source of constant stress in my life. Afternoon appointments would mean anxiety in the morning because I was always worried I’d get into the creative flow of things and miss my meeting. I’ve had to dig deep into my relationship with time and learn some tools to help me better manage things.

One of the biggest changes I’ve made is how I think about time.

Have you ever heard the saying “don’t let the future steal your present?” This means that anticipation of what’s coming up can rob you of your ability to be present here and now.

Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment. It’s one of the key components of meditation, which allows your mind and body to slow down and focus on the present.

You don’t have to sit still on a meditation cushion to be mindful though.

I’ve taught many of my clients how to be more mindful, which involves practicing how to be more present in the moment in anything you’re doing. Mindfulness is adopting a mental attitude of living in the now.

Two very important things happen when you live in the present – your perception of time changes and you feel happier and more at peace.

Let’s look at those two in more detail.

Your mind controls your perception of time

Imagine that you’re on vacation having an amazing dinner with your closest friends. Everyone is laughing and having a great time and then the thought comes into your mind “I don’t want this to end.” A little time passes and another thought pops in “our week is almost over and soon I’ll be heading back to work.”

This type of thinking steals your joy in the moment and it steals your time. You’re taking yourself out of the moment you’re enjoying and mentally projecting that you’re in the future.

It’s tempting to wish time away when you’re looking forward to something exciting. But any time you focus your attention on what’s to come, you miss out on what’s happening right now in front of you.

Mindfulness is a mental habit that you build through practice. If you don’t practice staying present before an exciting event, it will be harder for you to live in the present while the thing is happening.

That’s when you find your special event to be quickly over and done and you wonder where the time went.

You are in control of your experience of time. Whether you realize it or not, the way you think about your time has a lot to do with how time feels to you.

A hug from a loved one can seem like it’s over too soon, while an elevator ride can seem like an eternity when you’re in a rush – yet both lasted the same amount of time.

Future thoughts don’t allow you to be present and soak up as much as you can out of each moment. It’s true that your vacation will eventually end, or the thing you’re excited about will arrive, but you’ll find yourself better able to enjoy the good moments if you savor the time leading up to them.

Happiness lives in the present

The benefits of mindfulness are plentiful. People who live in the moment tend to be happier, more calm, relaxed and experience a deeper sense of gratitude.

When you bring your awareness into the present moment, you have greater access to awareness of your thoughts, emotions and sensations in your body. Tuning in on this level brings you in touch with yourself and increases the likelihood of having your needs met, because you’re aware of what they are.

Living in the moment allows you to mentally slow down. Just like minimalist design brings a greater sense of ease and peace to a room, a focus on what’s happening in the moment will bring you greater satisfaction in anything you do.

When you live in the moment, you participate fully in life and can make the most of what’s happening around you.

A deeper experience of life opens up when you stop mentally rushing or wishing time away – one that will give you more time and greater happiness.

How to Have More Time for Yourself

I used to do this thing where I’d go out of my way and sacrifice my needs to help my friends and family.

I wanted them to feel taken care of, supported and loved (still do!). But what I found after a while of putting everyone else first, was that my stuff was always on the back-burner…

I’d have hectic weeks because I said yes to something on the weekend and lost my meal prep time.

I’d stay on the phone during my workday for an hour with a friend in need, and end up having to work late.

I love my people, but something had to give because I was always left holding the bag – MY bag, with all the things I needed to do for myself in it.

Recently I did a Facebook Live where I talked about the 3 important realizations that I had about how to make more time for yourself. Check it out here….

Here are some things I learned about how to make more time for myself:

  1. When I’m clear on my priorities, it’s easier to say yes/no to other things because I know what I need to dedicate my time to.
  1. Efficiency saves the day – I’ve learned to double up on my time by taking walking meetings or planning my work tasks around the errands I need to run.
  1. Usually, things can be done faster. Rather than giving myself a whole Sunday to accomplish housework, if I condense the task into 2 hours in the evening I can usually get it all done in that time, leaving more time for something else.

A note on perfectionism – in learning to make myself a priority I’ve had to let go of some perfectionist tendencies. To be honest, I don’t think I realized I was being a “perfectionist” about things, I just lived by this internal set of rules that I held myself accountable to. It wasn’t until I started feeling overwhelmed by the amount I’d need to do to keep up with all my personal expectations that I realized it was a bit much. So, I slowly started to loosen the grip on some things…

For example, I used to pressure myself to show up “professionally” at all my meetings. It became overwhelming to try to balance a full meeting schedule and get my daily workouts in, or teach yoga. Considering I live my life in yoga clothes (I’m either coming from or on my way to the studio) I’ve decided it’s ok to take business meetings in my yoga clothes.

Now I book my meetings right after a yoga class at the cafe next door. My colleagues understand that I’m prioritizing my wellness and respect me for it. I’ve come to respect myself for it too because it’s one way I prioritize my health vs stressing over superficial details.

So, if you find yourself suffocating underneath the expectations you’ve set for yourself, try loosening the grip a bit. If you do this and put the three tips above into practice, you might just find you have more time for yourself.

Adaptogens 101: Part of Natural Stress Management

If you haven’t heard of adaptoens, you’re in for a treat! This is one group of supplements that anyone can benefit from. Their name says it all – they help your body adapt to stress. Adaptogens work in a unique way, by helping you perk up or calm down, depending on what your body needs. They’re like the chameleons of the supplement world.

Read on to discover the different types of adaptogens and how they can support you.

You may hear the word ‘STRESS’ and immediately think of the mental and emotional aspects along the lines of feeling overwhelmed, overly busy, and/or anxious.

In reality, the body actually encounters different forms of stress every day and is always working to restore homeostasis (the body’s happy place, or natural equilibrium).

Your body is constantly being bombarded by stressors – even when you don’t feel stressed. In fact, you probably won’t feel stressed day-to-day from some of these ongoing sources of stress because your body is adept at dealing with them.

Here are some examples of common, daily stressors:

  • Exercise – yep, it’s good for you, but it’s a form of stress the body has to deal with!
  • Lack of sleep
  • Toxins – like exposure to environmental pollutants, heavy metals, and chemicals in personal care and cleaning products
  • Viruses/Colds
  • Anxiety – which can be caused by stress or exacerbates existing stress
  • Stimulation – in the form of light, screens, loud or constant noise and bombarding visuals
  • Negative thoughts – patterns of thinking that affect your emotions and body’s hormonal response

Decreasing stress is critical for good health. There are many effects of ongoing stress including: weight gain, poor digestion, increased inflammation, accelerated cellular aging, hormonal imbalances, including adrenal dysfunction – your adrenals are responsible for your body’s response to stress.

Good news – there are plenty of ways to reduce the impact of stress in your life, including:

  • Getting to bed before 10:30 pm and getting enough sleep
  • Keep up with a regular exercise routine
  • Eating a healthy, balanced diet full of whole foods
  • Consuming enough healthy fats to support your hormones
  • Practicing tried ‘n true stress relief techniques
  • Processing your emotions (through talking, journaling and personal reflection)
  • Yoga, meditation and other practices that calm your nervous system

But, if you’re looking for something to naturally supplement your diet with, in a way that can minimize the impact that daily stressors have on your body, you might want to consider adding an adaptogen (or two) to your health plan.

What are Adaptogens?

Adaptogens – or Adaptogenic Herbs – are plant-based supplements (usually in pill or powder form) that do just what they sound like: they can help your body adapt to the stressors of your personal environment.

Adaptogens have a long history of use in ancient medical practices, like TCM – Traditional Chinese Medicine and Ayurvedic practices.

Current research has found that Adaptogens boost mental function, attention span, and energy during times of stress and reduce the overall production of inflammatory stress hormones, like cortisol.

Here are 5 common adaptogens:

  • ASHWAGANDHA – decreases anxiety, calming effect
  • ASIAN GINSENG – decreases fatigue, calming effect
  • MACA – boosts energy levels, balances hormones
  • RHODIOLA ROSEA – boosts energy and immune system function
  • SCHISANDRA FRUIT – enhances energy and cognitive function

How do Adaptogens work?

The molecular pathways involved in the body’s stress response are complex.

The 3 glands responsible for regulating stress hormones:

  • Hypothalamus
  • Pituitary
  • Adrenals

These glands function in your body’s stress response. This is called the HPA axis which refers to the cascade of hormone secretion and effects that your body launches to cope with stress in your body.

Contrary to what you might think, your body’s stress response isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually a helpful, adaptive mechanism that supports you in living your best live. When you’re experiencing prolonged stress this healthy sequence of events can be disrupted (something called HPA Axis Dysfunction) which is when you’ll start seeing negative symptoms (like hormonal imbalance) resulting from stress.

Research has found Adaptogens help support these glands in achieving equilibrium or homeostasis – a fancy way of saying that they help stress hormones get back into balance.

Unlike caffeine, alcohol, and other drugs, Adaptogens can gently help reduce stress hormones, decrease anxiety levels, and prevent fatigue without any crazy spikes or crashes in energy.

How do you take Adaptogens – and are they safe?

Adaptogens are available in pill or powdered form, of which powders can easily be added to teas, smoothies, soups, and other recipes – see our recipe at the end!

The best part about these herbal supplements is that it’s not necessary to take every Adaptogen every day, and choosing just one to add to your routine can still provide health benefits.

It’s recommended to rotate between Adaptogens, using one at a time for several weeks and then switching to another, if desired, to reap the benefits of several varieties.

You should follow the dosing instructions on the product label or consult with a Natural Health Practitioner for specific Adaptogen recommendations related to the health conditions that you may be experiencing.

It’s important to note, though, that while most adaptogens are generally safe for nearly everyone, please supplement with awareness.

RECIPE

Maca Mocha Smoothie

Ingredients

¾ cup coconut or other dairy-free milk
¼ cup brewed coffee, cooled
1 banana, frozen in chunks
1 tsp maca powder (can work up to 2 tsp per day)
1 tsp – 1 Tb cacao powder, raw & unprocessed (non-Dutch)
Optional: 2 tsp raw cacao nibs

Preparation

Place all ingredients in a high-speed blender.

Blend until frothy and desired consistency.

Add in cacao nibs for last 10 seconds of blending for added texture. Crunch with benefits!

REFERENCES

Healthline: Adaptogenic Herbs: List, Effectiveness, and Health Benefits

Healthline: Smart Girl’s Guide to Adaptogens for Hormonal Balance and Stress

Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 2017: Understanding adaptogenic activity: specificity of the pharmacological action of adaptogens and other phytochemicals

Pharmaceuticals, 2010: Effects of Adaptogens on the Central Nervous System and the Molecular Mechanisms Associated with Their Stress—Protective Activity